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from Goo, Buckshot and the Kid (The Fearsome Threesome)

Christmas Giraffes?

Perhaps now we can lay that whole Chris Cringle myth to rest once and for all. The notion that a lone heavyset elf in a red suit squeezes down chimney's all over the world to leave gifts on Christmas Eve is far-fetched, to say the least. Most scholars, like myself, have long since dismissed this "Single Gift Giver Theory" in favor of a "Conspiracy Theory" involving a coordinated plot by many gift givers to spread joy during the holidays. The question is, who are these multiple gift givers? Personally, I've always figured they were probably a tight knit group of giraffes. Why giraffes you say? Well, you see, the key to the secret gift giving business is in being able to escape detection. Everyone wants to get a glimpse of a secret gift giver after all. Now as I see it, there are only two types of animals with enough detection avoidance capabilities to go unnoticed while leaving presents all over the globe in a single night. You have your chameleons and then you have your giraffes. Chameleons are masters of deception but they are much too small to carry all those gifts. That leaves only giraffes my friend. Make no mistake, they are plenty large enough to haul the loot and despite that size, their graceful agility and camouflaged coat make them virtually undetectable to the naked eye. I think that's why we've never had proof up until recently. You could be right there in the same room with a giraffe and you'd never know it. Ah, but then there's this amazing photo, taken early Christmas morning of 2000 by an amateur photographer in the south of France. Finally, proof of what I have known in my heart all along. The only question is why? Why did this particular giraffe choose to reveal himself? I don’t know for sure, but it may simply be that he was tired of busting his ass every year and letting an old fat dude take all the credit.

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Random Strange Thoughts from the Kid

My friend told me that I should see that “Omen” movie. He said it would “scare the pants off me” but I’m a bit skeptical. I don’t know, it’s just that I simply can’t imagine any possible scenario in which I would become so frightened that I would feel compelled to remove my slacks. Then again, it would give me a good excuse to run through the theater naked, so I may have to see it after all.

As far as I’m concerned, horses have a pretty crappy selection to choose from when it comes to footwear.

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Random Thoughts from Goo Goblins

When I see a man and a woman arguing in public, I like to invite myself into the conversation by saying, “What are you guys talking about?” Usually, the man gets angry and says “Why don’t you mind your business buddy,” or you’ll even get the occasional “Fuck Off.” At this point I just grab the guy by the head and attempt to make out with him. Saying “you don’t mean those horrible things, don’t let your anger at her come between us.”

I sometimes take birdbaths naked. Think about it!

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Random Thoughts from Buckshot the Bandit

I thought Crystal Pepsi was the best fucking drink in the whole world and I can't wait 'till they bring that shit back.

When I was young and I saw cars making U-turns I always that it was because some kid did not heed their parents warning.

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