The latest variant of the highly destructive "I Love You" virus is now in global circulation and is far more destructive than its predecessor.

Known as the "I Could Quite Fancy You After a Few Pints" virus, it is circulated not just by e-mail, but also via conventional postal systems using the latest touch screen technology. If you receive an e-mail with the subject line "Alright Darlin'!" then basically you're buggered.

The virus will immediately leap out of your computer and infect any paper on your desk where it will reside in an undetectable format. The virus then remains dormant until 02:30 the following morning when it will creep out of the paper, devour the contents of you refrigerator, write obscenities on your bathroom wall and finally turn your entire house over until it has found enough postage stamps to mail itself to 50 of your friends.

Deleting the e-mail will not help. If you receive the virus, you must immediately pour petrol onto your computer and any surrounding paper and set fire to it. If you have paper money about your person you must also set fire to yourself.

AOL has stated that the "I Could Quite Fancy You After a Few Pints" virus is more destructive than anything else on the planet ever, ever, ever and that either we're all going to die or there will be a world shortage of postage stamps before the end of this week.

Leading scaremongers NetServe UK Ltd has dispatched task forces into the worlds major commercial centers to randomly torch buildings in an effort to prevent the virus from spreading.