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There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who think they used peanut butter to make Mr. Ed talk and those that think it was a carrot in the butt.

Buckshot is Chuck Norris' father and the man that taught him to round house.

The next time your home alone find a copy of Heaven Is A Place On Earth by Belinda Carlisle and ROCK OUT! You won't regret it!

If you ever ask someone how old they are and they reply with anything over 125 they're probably lying.

Whenever people are mad at me I tell them to blame it on the rain. I don't need to take their shit.

Have you ever heard of the two-headed horseman? He is some guy that dresses up in scary black clothes and rides a horse around town demanding that someone return his missing head. Now, he does have a normal head just like all of us but he is very adamant that he was born with a 2nd head that rests on top of his normal head. His only proof is that he has one of those toy mechanical claws and says that he used to use it to put hats on his "top head." Say what you want about the man but with proof like that who are we to label him crazy?

Buckshot once hit Chuck Norris and when Chuck woke up, his clothes WERE out of style.

Do you ever roll out of bed and think I want today to have a theme? Well I do and today's theme was corn. I ate corn (creamed... from a can), I thought about the journey of corn (from seed to my dinner plate), and I wrote 2 songs about corn (still untitled but one involves kernals in my feces). Maybe tomorrow will bring a new theme but for today I've got corn and that's just fine by me!

So the other day I was thinking about starting a band. We'd be called Climax and we'd only have one song. Here are the lyrics: Oh, Oh. This would be followed by some squirting sound effects and then the song would fade to silence. This idea falls under the thoughts category because it is just that, a thought. If I ever follow through on my plans I will move it to the Actions category.

When I walk into Bed Bath and Beyond I always head straight to the beyond section.

We've all heard of Damian, that little devil with 666 on his head. Born at 6 o'clock on the 6th of June, you know the story. Most of worry about his coming to the planet but when he does show up he will have opposition! That opposition comes in the form of a moose that roams the wilds of Canada known as the Anti-Damian. He was birthed at 2:22 on the 22nd of March (Go figure?). The A-D is just waiting up there for Damian to show himself and then he will come out of the wilderness to do battle with the devil. He was trained by Santa's reindeer to fly just in case Damian shows up on a different continent. He has also taught himself 3 different martial arts disciplines though books he checked out at his local library. To keep himself occupied while waiting for the Anti-Devil he works as a freelance writer for a local high school newspaper.

When ever I am bleeding... be it from a paper cut, a hang nail or a scab that I just picked I always blame it on those leeches. It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, I just yell out "Those damned leeches got me again!" This only works for small cuts though because I think we all know that there is no such thing as a giant leech. If I ever get my head cut off I don't think my trick will fool anyone because to date, there have been no reports of leech be-headings.

If I ever get eaten by piranhas that would really piss me off.

I'm a card guy. If you throw a no hitter, I may send your arm a congratulatory card. If you miss a game winning field goal it's an encouragement card for your foot. If you sleep with a hot girl your penis may find a Great Job card in the mail box. If you eat something really spicy, don't look now ass, but you'll be getting a sympathy card. Like I said before... I'm a card guy.

I watched Don Juan DeMarco the other day and DJD claims to be the greatest lover in the world. This made me genuflect for a moment. Can I, or anyone for that matter, honestly say that they are the greatest of anything in the world. Roy Hobbs wanted to be the greatest there was and the greatest there ever would be... but he never made it and he actually had the goods. For a brief moment I had doubt. Then my doubt turned to despair. And then just like the Grinch realizing that Christmas was not about presents, my heart grew 2 sizes when I found what I was best at... best in the whole world. DRYING OFF!!!! I was the worlds greatest dryer off. After a shower I could dry my entire body in 45 seconds. And I'm not talking about half way, I'm talking about bone dry. Over the last 18 years of my life I have devised a method to touch ever square inch of my body with a towel and collect every single drop of water. I am the worlds greatest dryer offer and by god I dare anyone to try and take my throne. I AM THE GREATEST!!!

When I see one of those Geico cavemen commercials it always pisses me off. Back in my day a caveman with a little self-discipline could really make something of himself. Take for example Captain Caveman. He was a super hero of sorts and you always knew that his heart was in the right place. If you where an evil doer and you heard the ferocious cry "Captain Caa'aaaaaave Maannnnn!!!" you knew to run the opposite direction. He was even a captain to boot (Although I'm not sure which branch of the military gave him the rank). I think that the Geico cavemen could learn a lot from Captain Caveman, but then again I think that we could all learn something from the Captain.

Just where the hell does Kermit get off singing It's not easy being green. I mean how hard does he really have it. He's got Miss Piggy to bang out when ever he wants to and all his other Muppet buddies are never far away. Did you ever have a plan to play football game just to have your friends that committed bitch out and then that only left you with enough people to play 1 on 1, with an all time QB? Kermit's always got enough friends around to play a game and even have lines. He even realizes that he is full of shit by the end of the song when he says that hes beautiful being green. Now on the other hand, if the Hulk ever wanted to sing about the sorrows of being green I'd have no problem with that. Go Hulk!!!

I thought Crystal Pepsi was the best fucking drink in the whole world and I can't wait 'till they bring that shit back.

When I was young and I saw cars making U-turns I always that it was because some kid did not heed their parents warning.

It was awful nice of San Francisco to share their treat with us.

It's funny how some products take off and some just go away. Take for example Sweet n Low. It has been a huge success since it was introduced and shows no signs of going away. Then, on the other hand you have Bitter n High which you probably have never heard of. It was introduced in the 50's just before Sweet n Low and it was a mix of lemon juice and LCD. Now I don't know about you but I can't think of anything that sounds better than a little tart flavored acid trip to start your morning off but it seems that most Americans did not agree with me. Oh well I guess that's why I'm not in the foods business.

I like kids. What I don't like are those damn shoes that are the "new thing" for kids these days. You know those fucking things with wheels on the bottom of them. Every time I see a kid go rolling by with those things on I'd like to grab them by the back of their little kid neck pull off one of those shoes and start beating them over the head with it. Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't do any permanent damage to the kid, just enough to make him think twice before putting those things back on his feet. I don't know, maybe that's just me.

Big Bird was pretty bad ass but do you really think that he would be any match for Snuffelupogus... You know if it came down to it?

When your a kid growing up your parents are always telling you to Just Say No to drugs. Personally, I think that if you are talking to drugs it's probably a little too late to say no.

I think the saying "It's not rocket science" has had such longevity because it fits almost any conversation. In fact, the only situation that it really doesn't apply is when it actually is rocket science.

When I was young and needed a circle shaped piece of paper at school the teacher said an easy way to do it was to cut off the corners of a regular 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper. I always thought that this was bullshit because when your done you don't have a circle you just have a rectangle with rounded corners. Come to think of it I don't even know why the hell I needed a circular piece of paper in the first place!

If my career goals change and I become a meteorologist I'm going to change my name to Howie. I've already got that jetstream shit down pat.

Most sayings make sense to me and most of the ones I have had questions about have been cleared up by the Kid, but what the hell does rule of thumb mean. Is it that before evolution we where ruled by a giant king thumb and what ever legislation he passed was called a "rule of thumb". This line of reasoning raises another question. Did this giant king thumb have small thumbs on his hand like we do today because if he did not how the hell did he ever sign the proposed rules. Maybe he just rolled some red paint on his face and head butted the paper. After a successful head butting of a new "rule of thumb" I imagine that the red-faced king thumb and all the other thumbs in the kingdom gathered and celebrated with sparklers and Sunny D.

If someone makes you nervous and that person asks you "Do I make you nervous?" Most normal people would say "No, of course not." Now you're screwed because you're double nervous and you know that they are onto you.

I saw 4 people walking funny today: 2 girls and 2 guys. It makes you wonder what the girls were up to last night. It REALLY makes you wonder what the guys were up to.

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