Unfortunately, our organization has been grossly misrepresented by the media. In fact, it seems most people have been fooled into believing that The Fellowship Of The Spork, or KFC as the unenlightened call it, is just a chain of fast food restaurants serving delicious fried chicken and a variety of wholesome side dishes to hungry folks in over 30,000 locations world wide. While it is true that we do serve the world’s most mouth-wateringly scrumptious fried chicken, this is not the real purpose of our ministry.

The true goal of The Fellowship is to unite all the people of the world in peace and loving harmony. We believe we can accomplish this task by putting into practice the teachings of the great Reverend Harland Sanders, or “Wise One” as we call him. It was during the 20th Century that the “Wise One” walked among us and we believe that through the gift of the Sacred Spork, Sanders bestowed upon man a divine utensil that points us toward the light of salvation. Armed with the mighty Spork and using the Original Recipe as our guide, we of The Fellowship have embarked on a great quest. A quest to lead all of God’s children out of the darkness and into the warm glow of the Promised Land where they will be free to eat fried chicken and frolic around naked for all of eternity.

But you must understand that The Fellowship carries a heavy burden. Sometimes it seems as if the weight of the world is stacked against us. You see, there are evil forces at work, forces that would rather keep mankind immersed in a state of perpetual darkness, perhaps fearing that the light of truth would reveal their wicked ways. We call these forces the “Peddlers of the Cow Flesh” and they are very powerful indeed. Their influence can be felt all around us, especially within the media which so earnestly tries to discredit The Fellowship at every opportunity. They brainwash people into thinking that the Original Recipe is nothing more than a secret list of herbs and spices. They portray our beloved spiritual leader as a goofy old four-eyed southern bastard in a white suit and even the sanctity of the Most Holy Spork has been brought into question. If you listen to their vicious lies, you might actually be under the delusion that a Spork is just a silly little plastic novelty, devoid of any divine power or majesty.

Simply put, these hurtful lies must be exposed and the vile scum that spread them must be punished in strict accordance with the law set forth in Chapter 1, Verse 3 of the Original Recipe, which specifically mandates that a “big-time holy ass whoopin” be placed on any individual even suspected of betraying the faith. For you see, the “Wise One” has taught us that if you are going to make an omelet, you’re going to have to break a few eggs. In the same sense, if you’re going to bring peace and loving harmony to the world, you’re inevitably going to have to open up a few big ole’ cans of good old fashioned “Whoop Ass”. Well we of The Fellowship like to think of ourselves as the folks holding the can opener. So, to all y’all punk-ass bitches out there dissin’ on the fried chicken, all we have to say is, “Come get some!”

Peace Out!