Verse 1 – In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. Much later, he came up with the idea for the plastic Spork, which was a pretty nifty little invention in its own right. That’s correct, I said “he”. God is not a woman. His flowing white beard is the dead giveaway, unless you’re trying to claim that God is a bearded lady. Is that what you’re trying to say, that God is some kind of sideshow freak? Damn feminist heathen, shame on you!

Verse 2 – God likes those who like fried chicken. Of course, he doesn’t like like them. I wouldn’t want you to come away with that impression. Honestly, he makes a real point of never getting romantically involved with humans because, after all, he created them. It would be somewhat awkward. It’s like if you were to create, say for instance, cute little balloon animals. Now we can all agree that bending balloons into the shapes of various cuddly creatures is a noble hobby, but then proceeding to engage in sexual relations with these creations, this might be perceived as somehow inappropriate, especially at children’s parties (the traditional balloon animal venue). That being said, if someone like, I don’t know, Jessica Alba happened to be perhaps, you know, interested, I’m just sayin’, God is definitely down with making an exception.

Verse 3 – God hates those who eat red meat. He also hates clowns. He despises royalty in general and kings in particular. He is disgusted by the mere sight of little red headed girls. And that damn Frank Perdue, don’t even get God started about that little jerk. Additionally, God detests any bastard who doesn’t fully appreciate the absolute greatness of the Spork. In fact, God not only authorizes but actually requires that any individual even suspected of harboring negativity toward a Spork be immediately subjected to a big-time holy ass whoopin’, preferably the type where you grab the guy by the arms and start smacking him in the face with his own hands. And to add insult to injury, while you’re slapping him in the face with his own hands, it would be quite appropriate to mock him by repeatedly asking him the question, “Why are you hitting yourself?” And if he doesn’t confess that it is because he is “a punk-ass bitch who deserves a wicked beat down” you will be left with no alternative but to hang him by his underwear from the nearest fence post, if for no other reason than to show the world what happens to punk-ass bitches who disrespect the Spork.

Verse 4 – Beware false prophets such as that friggin’ Popeye’s Chicken. Think about it. Do you really want to obtain your fried chicken from some freakish forearmed corn-cob pipe smokin’ sailor man who eats excessive amounts of spinach and spends all his free time trying to win over quite possibly the ugliest female cartoon character in history? You gotta question Popeye’s taste, at least in women anyway. Seriously, could Olive Oyl possibly be any less appealing to look at. You compare her to the likes of the voluptuous Jessica Rabbit, Josie of Pussycat fame, Daphne from Scoobie Doo or even that hot Little Mermaid and Olive is an absolute joke. And then, of course, there’s my personal favorite, the cartoon chick from those eSurance commercials. Her name, by the way, is Erin. Sweet sexy Erin with the hot pink hair. Oh, how I yearn to be part of Erin's animated world. But alas, I know it can never be. And so, once again, I find myself sitting here alone on a park bench sadly thinking of her as I masturbate feverishly.

Visual comparison :

	=	the ugliest thing I've ever seen and the reason you should never eat Popeye's Chicken under any circumstances.
	=	the sexiest thing I've ever seen and the reason I'm presently paying far too much for car insurance.

Chapter 2

Verse 1 – The first verse of Chapter 2 is - you do not talk about Chapter 2.

Verse 2 – The second verse of Chapter 2 is - you DO NOT talk about Chapter 2.

Verse 3 – Obviously, we are forbidden from discussing it.

So let it be written, so let it be done!