The history books will tell you that Harland Sanders was born in 1890 but it is our contention that the “Wise One” was never actually born of a woman at all. The truth is, he first graced us with his presence in the Year of our Lord, 1930. The common belief is that he rode down from the heavens in a large bucket of extra crispy. In his left hand he held a text. This document would later become known as the Original Recipe. In his right hand, of course, he wielded the Sacred Spork.

The Reverend Sanders brought forth a message of peace and love. With that, he launched his ministry here on Earth. He founded an organization called The Fellowship Of The Spork and began opening houses of worship/dining establishments throughout the land. At each of these holy shrines visitors were offered an assortment of tasty fried chicken and delectable side dishes. More importantly, they were given a chance at salvation. Sanders insisted that every man, woman and child be afforded the opportunity to “take up the Spork” and so plastic Sporks were made readily available to all. In his memoirs entitled “That Faggoty Frank Perdue Can Kiss My Lilly White Ass”, Sanders wrote, “trust in your Spork, my son, for it will shield you from the wicked temptations of the vile 'Peddlers of the Cow Flesh' and carry you through to your redemption.”

Unfortunately, the glorious message of the “Wise One” has been twisted and distorted over the years by the forces of evil. In fact, using their soulless influence over that filthy whore known as the media, “The Peddlers of the Cow Flesh” have managed to completely tarnish the image of the good Reverend. For example, most people don’t even know that Harland Sanders was a holy man. They have been trained to think of him as Colonel Sanders, the heartless butcher of countless innocent chickens. But we must ask ourselves, is there really any such thing as an innocent chicken? Let’s face it, everyone knows that chickens are an uncivilized breed of bird. If not for men like Sanders, the streets would probably still be overrun with barbarous hordes of free range poultry committing all manner of unspeakable acts against humanity. Without a doubt, Sanders did the world a tremendous favor by taking these would be marauders off the streets and cooking them to a golden delicious crisp. He then took it one wonderful step further by serving them to us with a heavenly combination of savory gravy covered mashed potatoes, creamy cole slaw and buttery sweet biscuits that would freakin’ melt in your mouth if you’d only let them.

It’s a damn shame that a man of peace, a protector of the people, has been made out to be some kind of mean spirited chicken assassin. It just goes to show you the depths to which these “Peddlers of the Cow Flesh” will stoop in order to keep mankind in the dark.